Its too tight!

Hubert didn’t know much about babies.

He did, however, love his niece very much, and jumped at the opportunity to babisit her for a full day.

But when he put her in his car, and put on her seatbelts, he couldn’t help but feel that he might have made her seatbelts a little too tight…

Note: I should say that the baby in the pic is my niece, and that she was not in any danger, nor was she really squeezed.  Instead she was working on a present for her parents  

How are you supposed to play this game?

Stan wasn’t the brightest of the Janitors, but he knew how to play Bean Toss.  He also knew that school management had no idea what they were talking about when they told him to put the Bean Toss board up against the school wall.

“How are children supposed to play?” he asked.  ”How is the bean bag supposed to go through the hole?”

In an act of defiance he installed the board at the farther end of the school yard.  There, where the fenced area ended and a dense forest began, children could chuck bean bags at the board, and the bean bags would fly straight through to the other side – the way it was supposed to be.

Unfortunately for Stan, school management did not like being ignored.  The next day Stan was out of a job, and the board had been moved to where they had wanted it to be all along: up against the school wall.

Puzzled by the new placement, children stopped playing the game, and the board became ignored like all other odd items in the school yard, such as the half teeter-totter, and the swing set without any seats…

Cat-Dog Heart

Dogs chase after cats, cats chase after mice, mice chase after cheese.

And cheese, well, just sits there waiting for mold to grow on it.

But when all the chasing is done, the sun sets and the moon shines bright, everyone falls asleep together, in anticipation for the next day of chasing.

Paul the Chef

The last time we saw Paul he was struggling with his dream to be a full fledged Ninja.  Though the doctor diagnosed him with Ninjaism, and insisted he be put on anti-Ninjaism medication, Paul’s wife refused the medication, encouraging him to take on new hobbies as a way of fighting the Ninja urge.

She tried jogging, cycling, golf, clubbing, cards… anything she could think of.  Then one day she brought him to a large cooking store and – after 10 minutes of wrestling off his homemade Ninja outfit – stuck a chef’s had on his head.

The hat slid on like a glove, and though Paul didn’t move much, his wife could see a twinkle his eyes.

In that instant Paul’s Ninjaism was cured.  But over the next few days a much worst disease began to infect his brain: Chefism.

The Devil's Hotline

Even in the realms of heaven and hell, the laws of supply and demand rule above all else, and with the number of people on the planet exploding towards 7 billion, the demand for human souls has never been higher.

Unable to cope with such high demand, the Devil has begun reaching out to living humans in an attempt to secure their souls before their death.  The following sign is an example of such marketing by the forces of Evil and can increasingly be found in large metropolitan cities around the world.

Demand is so high, however, that even the living who are loyal to the dark lord have to wait an average of 30 minutes to an hour on the line for a free operator, all the while listening to deathly music while a voice growls at them that their call is important.

Every part of the goat is used, including its balls.  These are given to the children, who play with them by filling them with air and squeezing them to create fart noises.

I swear this is what they do with the goat’s junk.  If you don’t believe me, then take a look at the documentary Michael Palin: Sahara.  The images below were taken from this documentary.

Step 1 - Create tight seal around lips

Step 2 - Blow into the ballsack

Step 3 - Close the top and squeeze for fart sounds

Me and My Niece

Something happened last week.  Something amazing that marked me in a way I never thought possible: my sister gave birth a little baby girl.

When I met her for the first time, she seemed both fragile and intimidating.  Fragile because of her size (no one is very big at 36 hours of age), and intimidating because of what she represented.

As I held her in my arms, a loud voice screamed from the back of my mind.

“You’re the grown-up now,” it said.

With it came the realization that something inside me had disappeared forever, something I’d never get back.

And yet, as I held my niece in my arms and she slept peacefully sucking on her pacifier, I knew this is how things had to be, that she now had what I had lost, and that everything would be alright.

On top of Le Massif, Québec

For me, its the opportunity to completely forget about the world around me. The chance to ignore the stress of everyday life, of reports, due dates, anoying co-workers, and enjoy a great time with friends.

To be able to push away all of life’s little wrinkles, and for a moment, even if for a split second, to be truly happy, only to hit an ice patch while trying to carve, fall on your butt, flip a couple of times and land face first in a dune of puffy white snow!

Ah, the feeling of snow up the nostrils….

If you wish to cross here, you must pay $100

Michael Hastner had been dean at the Université de Montreal when his controversial new 13 km/h speed limit signs went up, and had been forced to retire after the uproar they had caused.  He didn’t want to retire, but understood all too well that the university needed a fall man, and he had been one of the only deans willing to speak up in favour of the new signs.

Nonetheless, this time he had outdone himself.  Michael was the newly appointed road-sign manager for the city of Montreal, and with an ever increasing city budget deficit, he formulated what he believed to be the answer to all the city’s financial problems.

Along with a committee of five civil engineers, three lawyers, and three city beautification planners, he created a new sign that was sure to provide some much needed funds to the city.  The sign imposed a fee on all pedestrians who wanted to cross the streets.  The signs would be put up along busy streets, and fee collectors would be placed along side them.

People who didn’t pay the fee would be caught using hidden cameras, and fined an extra $50.

Animal Crime Scene

Recently, many animals had been attacked in the area.  Some were unfortunate enough to have perished in the attacks, attackers leaving nothing but a few feathers or fur in the area of the crime scene.

At first many animals blamed the local street cat population.  After all, most of the animals that had been targeted were known street cat favorites (ie: birds, rats, fieldmice).  Even a squirrel had been found dead, which caused an uproar in the local squirrel population.

Little did any of the animals know that the whole thing was a setup, a sham operation perfectly planned out by Roxy the Squirrel from deep inside Chippy Squirrel Prison.

Roxy not only wanted out, she wanted revenge.  The first step in her plan was to spread chaos and anarchy through the streets, and from the reports she had gathered from her contacts, she knew that it was working.